TWO EXTREME FAMILY VALUES

Reality and thoughts

Growing up, I had the privilege of experiencing two vastly different family value systems: one in India and the other in the United States. This dichotomy sparked my curiosity, and I began to explore the psychological underpinnings of these divergent values. As I reflect on my journey, I realise that the unique cultural fabric of Indian families is woven into the very essence of our being. To illustrate this phenomenon, I'd like to share a personal anecdote that sheds light on the profound impact of cultural conditioning on our values, beliefs, and behaviors.

I was scheduled to return to India on May 14, 2013, from the United States, after staying with my daughter for several months. My daughter's love and affection towards me did not go unnoticed by my grandson, who developed a strong bond with me. The day of my departure from the USA is etched in my memory. My daughter was visibly upset, struggling to hold back tears, and the onlookers couldn't help but notice. My grandson, on the other hand, was wailing loudly as I stood in the departure lane. He was adamant that either I shouldn't leave him or everyone should accompany me to India. Had this scene unfolded in India, some onlookers might have reprimanded us to maintain silence or advised us not to create a scene.

I was also feeling embarrassed, thinking that someone would reprimand us for disturbing them. You may not believe it, but to my surprise, the following incident actually occurred.

At Dallas Airport, I was astonished to witness a poignant display of empathy from the public. Instead of annoyance or disdain, I received heartfelt compliments and words of encouragement. As I stood in the security check line, my daughter and son-in-law waved goodbye, their emotional farewell evident to those around us. Strangers approached me, offering kind sentiments: one young woman simply said, "Wonderful family," while another remarked, "Sir, you are truly blessed." A third person said nothing, but her sympathetic expression spoke volumes, conveying a sense of understanding and compassion.

What struck me most, however, was not the love and affection shown by my daughter and grandson (which, ironically, we often take for granted as per Indian culture), but the warmth and kindness extended to a complete stranger (myself) by the Americans. Their heartfelt comments revealed a deep-seated longing – a sense of something missing in their own families. It was as if they were wishing for their own families to experience the same love and affection they witnessed between me and my loved ones.

This is because, in the United States, parents typically provide excellent care and support for their children until they complete high school (12th standard). Thereafter, the onus of funding their future education largely falls on the children themselves (except in a few cases where affluent families may continue to provide support). Generally speaking, American parents tend not to prioritise saving for their child's college education, instead allocating their income towards necessities, comforts, and luxuries.

 

Another significant aspect I'd like to emphasize is that, in general, American parents (regardless of whether they're widowed, aged, single parent or otherwise) typically don't expect their children to live with them after reaching adulthood. Conversely, children usually choose not to reside with their parents after completing high school (12th standard). Instead, they forge their own paths, often taking on part-time jobs while pursuing higher education or entering the full-time workforce. They become financially independent, covering their own expenses and making their own lifestyle choices. This independence is further reinforced by stringent tax laws governing family succession and inheritance.

The United States is characterised by a spending economy, where consumption drives growth and individuals prioritise enjoying their present income. This mindset is reflected in the country's cultural values, which often emphasise living in the moment and making the most of one's financial resources.

In contrast, Indian parents typically continue to support their children until they secure employment, and often beyond. This support extends to financial assistance and emotional involvement, sometimes creating tension with the newcomer to the family (the daughter-in-law or son-in-law). We often interfere in our children's lives, expecting them to care for us in our old age or to live with us, thereby blurring the boundaries between parental responsibility and individual independence.

Similarly, when a son gets married, he often sets a condition for his bride that his parents will live with them after marriage (notably, not the other way around... why?... because we live in a 'purusha-pradhaana samaj' (पुरुष प्रधान समाज), a male-dominated society prevalent in Asia).

Another aspect of American culture that I strongly admire is their approach to remarriage, particularly when it involves a divorcee. In such cases, the couple rarely dwells on each other's past. Moreover, children from previous marriages are well cared for until they complete high school, often living with their new parent (stepfather or stepmother). This is a far cry from the societal norms in India, where divorce cases are relatively rare, but increasing. As divorce becomes more prevalent in India, it's essential that we adopt a more progressive and accepting attitude towards remarriage and blended families. Conversely, Western nations, where divorce rates are high, could benefit from a decline in such cases, fostering a more stable and supportive family environment.

In my opinion, both the American/European approach and the Indian approach require modification. I firmly believe that a balanced middle ground is essential, as I am opposed to the extremes represented by both cultures. A more nuanced and adaptable approach would allow individuals to cherish their family bonds while also embracing independence and personal growth. Ultimately, by learning from each other's strengths and weaknesses, we can foster a more harmonious and supportive family environment that benefits everyone.

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end- ನಡೆದದ್ದು thoughts documented sometime December 2018

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