Chanakya Neeti contains profound advice on various aspects of life, including parenting. The royal advisor Chanakya who is also known as Kautilya or Vishnu Gupta, was a genius and can be considered a master of all arts. The statement "Do not praise your son" (पुत्रो न स्तोतव्यः - Putra Na Stotavyah) might seem counterintuitive in modern parenting, but it holds deep wisdom when understood in its context. I can summarise it as follows:
- Chanakya believed that excessive and public praise, especially for children, could lead to ego, arrogance (ahankaar), and overconfidence. Children who are constantly told that they are the best, might develop an inaccurate self-perception, believing that they are superior without sufficient effort. Children should exercise humility. Praising children can hinder their willingness to learn, accept criticism, or work hard, as they might feel they have already achieved everything. Continuous learning and self-improvement are vital, as the pursuit of knowledge is a lifelong journey with no limits.
- Public praise might make children complacent, stopping them from striving for more. By not showering them with praise, parents encourage humility and a mindset of continuous growth, ensuring the children understand that achievements are earned through effort and that there's always more to learn.
- Chanakya, a shrewd political strategist, understood human nature deeply, including jealousy and rivalry. Publicly praising one's child might invite the envy of others, including relatives, friends, or even strangers. This envy could potentially lead to animosity, plotting, or harm from those who feel inferior or competitive. He advised keeping virtues and strengths private to avoid attracting unnecessary negativity or becoming a target.
- Chanakya emphasised that a person's worth should be determined by their actions and character, not by the words of others. If a son is truly virtuous and capable, his deeds will speak for themselves and earn him respect in society naturally. A father praising his own son might be seen as self-praise or boasting, which could diminish the son's genuine accomplishments in the eyes of others.
- Chanakya's parenting philosophy also included discipline and preparing children for the realities of the world. Excessive praise can create a dependency on external validation. In short, Chanakya's overall parenting philosophy, as seen in other Neeti Sutras, advocates for a balanced approach. By focusing on the child's efforts and growth rather than just the outcome, and by not over-praising, parents help children develop internal motivation and resilience, preparing them to face challenges without constantly needing external affirmation.
Applicability in today's context.
In today's parenting context, Chanakya's advice isn't about never appreciating your child. Instead, it encourages a nuanced approach. We need to differentiate between encouraging a child's hard work and praising the child for the outcome. The following example would suffice. Modern psychology often aligns with this.
- Praising a child's hard work, persistence, and strategies ("You worked so hard on that!" or "I see how you kept trying even when it was difficult!") is more beneficial than simply praising their intelligence or the final result ("You're so smart!" or "That's perfect!"). This fosters a growth mindset.
- While public praise might be discouraged, private encouragement and affirmation within the family are crucial for building a child's confidence and a strong bond. Helping children recognise their own strengths and weaknesses is essential.
The following course of action (just my view) by parents may be seen for the overall growth of their children:
- Up to 5-6 years: Pamper and nurture with love.
- From 6 to 15 years: Discipline strictly (not necessarily physically, but with firm guidance and consequences).
- From 15/16 years onwards: Treat as a friend, offering advice and guidance.
Finally, I agree that evolution shall make way for the changes. There is a non-applicability part in today's context too on this particular Chanakya Neeti. What is it? Read below:
The phrase should have been extended to daughters as well. Unfortunately, this is a shortfall we still witness today, despite the progress made in bridging the gender gap in education over the past century. Thankfully, the evolution of societal norms has led to a significant shift, with parents increasingly recognising the importance of equal educational opportunities for both sons and daughters.
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